Someone shit on the floor
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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