I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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