See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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