also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Randomize
