I just threw up on my dentist
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
