she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
My ass is underappreciated
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
