now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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