her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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