4 words: hood of his car
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
