first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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