im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
