He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
