omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
