Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
