Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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