Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
