I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
