she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
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So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
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Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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