He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
