If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
