I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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