i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
