I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Just fell off a train. Bad.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
