So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Randomize
