i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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