I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped