Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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