im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
