How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
