just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
