I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
