you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
As shirtless as possible
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
