I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
