And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
