I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
