gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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