Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
