Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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