Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
