stop calling my apartment porn island.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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