i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
