so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
