The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
