I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
