saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
