There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
