I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Small penises have feelings too.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
