i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
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I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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