I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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