just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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