I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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