Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
