nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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