Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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