If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
