Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
