I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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