i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
