I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
