Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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