Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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