bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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