if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
